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Wednesday, March 08, 2006

AT&T Buys Google

AT&T completed its spectacular comeback as a 1960’s style conglomerate today with its all-cash purchase of Google. “We wanted Google Chat to round out our next-generation telecommunications line,” said Jim Bob “Bucky” Rambo, AT&T vice-president for acquisitions. “All that search stuff is just extra slop in the trough, if you know what I mean.”

Wall Street analysts reacted positively to the move, saying they were glad to be rid of those prima donnas running Google. “Now we’ll get real guidance, not any of that Left Coast BS,” said Merrill Lynch analyst Chatsworth P.W. Dillinghamtonshire. “This is a stock we can churn like butter.”

According to insiders familiar with the deal, AT&T will convert the famed Google search engine into a replacement for the local phone book, and fire most of the existing Google staff. "They may make an offer to get the original Google chef [Charlie Ayers] to come back," one wag noted. "They say he makes a mean pizza."

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