Fact-based news and analysis about Information Technology is so last century. Iron Tulips offers the better story.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Our first tip came when this man:
met our team on a dark street in Prague. Looking left and right nervously, he whispered a single phrase before disappearing into the night, "the saucer has landed."
After that, the trail led to Asia, where everything is served on a saucer and where seats of PLM are often given away by the thousands to unsuspecting customers who thought they were buying drafting software. The evidence was everywhere. In a bookstore:
More to come.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Detectives at the scene found a note which has been authenticated as having been written by Ms. PLM. “I can’t go on this way,” the note begins:
“I can’t go on this way. Every one I meet has such high expectations for me. I just wanted to be free to have relationships, to network, and bring everybody together in love and harmony. Not even Wikipedia understands me. Goodbye, cruel world.”
Friends say Ms. PLM has been despondent for months regarding the “crushing burden of being all things to all people,” as PDM told this reporter. “And it’s no wonder. All this talk of convergence, of being at once an information strategy, an enterprise strategy and a transformational business strategy. It was just too much for her to handle. Personally, I think this new German guy hitting on her was the last straw. He was really pushy, you know?”
“Have you ever been forced to be innovative? It’s not that easy,” ERP told Iron Tulips upon hearing the news of PLM’s suicide. “There were a few times I thought about checking out, too. But now I’ve found my inner bliss by sitting on the sidelines and watching Oracle and SAP wrestle.”
Confidential police records obtained by Iron Tulips say that PLM took her life by grabbing two live PR data feeds, one from Dassault Systèmes, the other from open source developer ARAS. “The mismatched data flows fried her like a fish on Friday night,” wrote the investigator.
Funeral arrangement are pending, since no one is sure who to contact as the official next of kin.
Monday, January 22, 2007
"We were livid when they told us no," said Sue Spamwad, a marketing bimbo for Urgent PLM, Inc.. "We have been the Official Toilet Paper Sponsor at That Other Conference for years. We were always told it was a premium opportunity, and we paid through the nose for it. I can't believe Spar Point won't give us the same treatment."
When reached directly by phone without benefit of hiding behind layers of "press 4 for marketing," a Spar Point representative said Urgent PLM "will just have to get used to being treated differently by us. If companies are mad because all we sell to vendors at our conference is booth space, that's tough."
Behind Door Number 1 our lost soul saw an endless room with people standing shoulder-high in ripe, putrid animal dung and rotting dead flesh. Behind Door Number 2 he saw a gymnasium-sized room filled with people standing waist-deep in ripe, putrid animal dung. Disgusted by what he saw in the first two rooms, Mr. Dead Guy was doing his best imitation of prayer as he walked toward Door Number Three. Antisaint Peter opened the door, and our departed fellow saw a well-lit and nicely decorated room, where several people were standing around chatting and enjoying fine coffee. There was a knee-high layer of mildly aged semi-liquified cow dung.
"Oh, Antisaint Peter! My prayers have been answered. I don't have to think for a second. I'll take this third room!"
"You are finished," came the reply and immediately the man found himself standing in the room with a cup of coffee exactly the way he liked it back in First Life.
He was just about to ask someone for a second cup of triple-shot skinny mocha extra hot, hold the whipped cream when a loud klaxton sounded. A fat, ugly demon wearing only a barista's apron croaked out in a loud voice with more than a trace of boredom, "Already everybody. Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"
Iron Tulips has been on a coffee break for a while. But there is good news to report. The coffee break is over, we're back to standing everything on its head.
Friday, April 28, 2006
A scout ship from the Borg Collective reached planet Earth recently, but assimilation was thwarted and humanity saved when the Borg discovered human artwork.
A sample is here; follow the link for more.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
The world’s two leading manufacturers of cleaning products today announced plans to sue every programmer who has ever dreamed of Web 2.0 riches, for appropriating and misusing the trademarked names
“We looked the other way when somebody called a slick new programming paradigm SOAP,”
“Now that yet another gunslinger has tried to make a name for himself by using the name of a cleaning product formerly owned by Proctor & Gamble to describe this nebulous Web 2.0 crap,
Despite the announcement, no filing has yet been recorded with any court in the U.S; rumor has it that the P&G/Colgate dynamic duo may first merge so that their combined resources can be more efficiently thrown at any pending trademark defense. As Sidious noted, "It's going to take a while to hunt down and sue every single one of these Web 2.0 programmers. They are like cockroaches--shine a light on them and they scurry into the corners."
Monday, April 10, 2006
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
What has our editor's knickers so twisted? It seems India Daily regularly kicks IT's proverbial boo-tay by scooping us on the really nifty technology stories. In April alone, India Daily has been first with such important technology news as:
- multi-dimensional mind-to-mind communication
- the "interesting correlation" between UFO sightings and avoidance of certain regions by various Air Forces
- the new stealth military command and control communication system using 5D gravity waves, as reverse engineered from UFO's
Friday, March 31, 2006
“I’ve never seen FBI agents look so desperate in all my life,” said Google co-founder Sergey Brin who just happened to be dressed in drag for Google's annual "Queen for a Day" competition. “I mean, last month when they came in here looking for child porn links, at least they said ‘Please.’ This group was crazed.”
“One of them did that jump-and-roll thing into my cubicle,” said a Google employee who goes by the hacker handle Silicon Steroid “She shoved a revolver into my face and yelled, ‘Step away from the computer and nobody will get hurt.’ Then she proceeded to click over and over on the ‘Invite to Gmail’ link. She reminded me of a starving monkey in some grad student’s psychology experiment, pushing the button over and over again hoping for a reward morsel.”
An FBI representative in Washington was unavailable for comment, but the janitor said the spokesperson was trying to sort out why the WiFi was going down every time somebody in the office used a coreless phone.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
“We will engage Microsoft in a variety of mandatory anti-competitive exercises,” said EU competition commissioner Neelie Kroes. “By participating in these exercises, Microsoft will be able to fine-tune its corporate psyche and become responsive to EU dictates.”
Speaking with perfect English diction that would put the average American to shame, the Dutch Ms. Kroes said the first exercise would be “similar to teaching a dog to sit.” An EU bureaucrat will call Redmond on a random day and order all shipments of Microsoft goods inside the European Union to halt for a random period of time. “This will continue until Microsoft is compliant on command.”
Once Microsoft learns to sit, the EU competition commission will move to “Roll Over,” in which Microsoft will be taught to voluntarily admit to previously undisclosed violations of EU policy, including EU policies not yet written. The third step is “Beg,” in which Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will be trained to kneel before the European Union Parliament and request the right to continue to do business in the EU.
“We believe these measures are for Microsoft’s own good,” said Ms. Kroes, who got the idea for Sit, Roll Over, and Beg from observing Bill Gates accept an honorary doctorate when she was chairperson of Nijenrode University. “He grabbed at that diploma in a most uncivilized manner. I pulled it back, and gave him curt verbal commands to help him accept the award more graciously. If I can paper-train the founder, I think I can handle the rest of the company.”
Thursday, March 23, 2006
As the doors swung open, those at the front of the line jumped out of their Mountain Equipment Co-op waterproof sleeping bags and into the warm embrace of store employees. They jumped back again as employees pulled out sharp new box cutters and got to work.
Large notices in red type were bandaged onto the cases of AutoCAD 2007, warning dealerships against opening boxes prior to 12:01am—or face losing dealer contracts come January 31. Employees sliced through the warning signs, the cardboard tops, the individual cases and sometimes right into the CDs.
Most users quickly made their $3,999.00 purchase and ran for their Ford Fairlanes and Mercury Comets, eager to load the software onto their aging desktop computers. Others, however, complained to the watching news cameras that dealers were illegally bundling the software with “required” workstation hardware.
Gazing gleefully upon a row of TV’s reporting the pandemonium, Autodesk representative Walker John enthused, “This is the most successful launch ever! No matter about the sliced CDs; they barely cost anything.” John promised to investigate the bundling complaints, but noted that AutoCAD 2007’s 3D capability is useless without expensive hardware.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
President, CEO, and Chairman of the Board of Directors of XYZ CAD Corp, William Slinkfeet III, ruminated on his company's lead in issuing today's press release. "I think much of our industry-leading success is right in line with my automobile's bumper sticker, which I rather like. It reads, 'You are following the leader'. Leadership is a state of being," he continued, "and being a leader is the state we are in."
XYZ CAD Corp's leadership is part of a potential $9.898 billion-a-year industry, as estimated by the software industry’s leading analysis group, CrockAnalysis, Inc. "We see XYZ CAD Corp. as a leader in what will become a $51.453 billion-a-year industry within the decade," enthused JimBob Crock, president, spokesperson, and head of public relations for CrockAnalysis. "We look forward to providing this leading company with many more leading industry estimates."
"We know we can trust CrockAnalysis Inc.'s estimates, " added Slinkfeet, "because they have come up with very large numbers for other leading industry segments. Their numbers are so accurate, I would almost call them routine. Numbers that large can only be accurate, and we pay them a lot to generate them. Plus, they are an industry leader, and it is important for industry leaders to be associated with other leaders."
"The more accurate the number, the more difficult it is to generate," nodded Crock. "Although many of our competitors content themselves with one decimal place of accuracy, we are leaders and so we are able to charge clients more for our industry-leading estimates and their 2- and 3-decimal places."
"We are proud to be leaders in our association with the leading analysis firm," concluded Slinkfeet, "a firm which leads the industry in decimal places."
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Web 2.0, the nebulous buzzword used to describe new web-based applications, ideas, and for-profit conferences, today issued its first Service Pack.
Installs of the Service Pack, code named O’Reilly, started popping up in web sites across the globe simultaneously this morning, primarily in trendy but useless web sites that appeal to 13-year-olds. An Iron Tulips analysis of the Service Pack shows that it deletes unused script tags mindlessly copied by all those me-too web developers who had been “borrowing” code rather than writing their own.
A Microsoft spokesman said that users of Microsoft Web Services software should not worry about the Web 2.0 Service Pack, since “we’re really not part of that whole AJAX SOAP scene anyway.”
Monday, March 20, 2006
Rating: Five tulips for high ROTFLMAO factor. (Warning, contains instances of strong vulgarities used by huge mistake.)