Fact-based news and analysis about Information Technology is so last century. Iron Tulips offers the better story.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Saucer-based Conspiracy Behind Faked PLM Suicide, Part 1

The Iron Tulips Investigations Team has uncovered sinister evidence suggesting that the death of PLM (reported last week) may not have been a suicide.

Our first tip came when this man:

met our team on a dark street in Prague. Looking left and right nervously, he whispered a single phrase before disappearing into the night, "the saucer has landed."

After that, the trail led to Asia, where everything is served on a saucer and where seats of PLM are often given away by the thousands to unsuspecting customers who thought they were buying drafting software. The evidence was everywhere. In a bookstore:

on postcards:

More to come.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Despondent PLM Leaves Note, Commits Suicide

Product Lifecycle Management, known to friends as PLM, was found dead today in her Second Life apartment. Cause of death has been ruled as suicide.

Detectives at the scene found a note which has been authenticated as having been written by Ms. PLM. “I cant go on this way,” the note begins:

“I cant go on this way. Every one I meet has such high expectations for me. I just wanted to be free to have relationships, to network, and bring everybody together in love and harmony. Not even Wikipedia understands me. Goodbye, cruel world.”

Friends say Ms. PLM has been despondent for months regarding the “crushing burden of being all things to all people,” as PDM told this reporter. “And its no wonder. All this talk of convergence, of being at once an information strategy, an enterprise strategy and a transformational business strategy. It was just too much for her to handle. Personally, I think this new German guy hitting on her was the last straw. He was really pushy, you know?”

“Have you ever been forced to be innovative? Its not that easy,” ERP told Iron Tulips upon hearing the news of PLMs suicide. “There were a few times I thought about checking out, too. But now Ive found my inner bliss by sitting on the sidelines and watching Oracle and SAP wrestle.”

Confidential police records obtained by Iron Tulips say that PLM took her life by grabbing two live PR data feeds, one from Dassault Syst√®mes, the other from open source developer ARAS. “The mismatched data flows fried her like a fish on Friday night,” wrote the investigator.

Funeral arrangement are pending, since no one is sure who to contact as the official next of kin.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Spar Point Research Refuses Sponsorship Request

Spar Point Research, a technology research firm that sponsors an annual conference on the use of 3D laser scanning for the built environment, recently turned down a request from a vendor to be the Official Toilet Paper Sponsor for Spar 2007.

"We were livid when they told us no," said Sue Spamwad, a marketing bimbo for Urgent PLM, Inc.. "We have been the Official Toilet Paper Sponsor at That Other Conference for years. We were always told it was a premium opportunity, and we paid through the nose for it. I can't believe Spar Point won't give us the same treatment."

When reached directly by phone without benefit of hiding behind layers of "press 4 for marketing," a Spar Point representative said Urgent PLM "will just have to get used to being treated differently by us. If companies are mad because all we sell to vendors at our conference is booth space, that's tough."

Coffee Break is Over

Once upon a time a man exited this mortal veil and found himself standing at the brimstone gates. Antisaint Peter met him there and offered the disraught fellow three possible, very permanent habitats. "But once you make the decision, it is final. Choose carefully."

Behind Door Number 1 our lost soul saw an endless room with people standing shoulder-high in ripe, putrid animal dung and rotting dead flesh. Behind Door Number 2 he saw a gymnasium-sized room filled with people standing waist-deep in ripe, putrid animal dung. Disgusted by what he saw in the first two rooms, Mr. Dead Guy was doing his best imitation of prayer as he walked toward Door Number Three. Antisaint Peter opened the door, and our departed fellow saw a well-lit and nicely decorated room, where several people were standing around chatting and enjoying fine coffee. There was a knee-high layer of mildly aged semi-liquified cow dung.

"Oh, Antisaint Peter! My prayers have been answered. I don't have to think for a second. I'll take this third room!"

"You are finished," came the reply and immediately the man found himself standing in the room with a cup of coffee exactly the way he liked it back in First Life.

He was just about to ask someone for a second cup of triple-shot skinny mocha extra hot, hold the whipped cream when a loud klaxton sounded. A fat, ugly demon wearing only a barista's apron croaked out in a loud voice with more than a trace of boredom, "Already everybody. Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

Iron Tulips has been on a coffee break for a while. But there is good news to report. The coffee break is over, we're back to standing everything on its head.