Spar Point Research Refuses Sponsorship Request

Spar Point Research, a technology research firm that sponsors an annual conference on the use of 3D laser scanning for the built environment, recently turned down a request from a vendor to be the Official Toilet Paper Sponsor for Spar 2007.

"We were livid when they told us no," said Sue Spamwad, a marketing bimbo for Urgent PLM, Inc.. "We have been the Official Toilet Paper Sponsor at That Other Conference for years. We were always told it was a premium opportunity, and we paid through the nose for it. I can't believe Spar Point won't give us the same treatment."

When reached directly by phone without benefit of hiding behind layers of "press 4 for marketing," a Spar Point representative said Urgent PLM "will just have to get used to being treated differently by us. If companies are mad because all we sell to vendors at our conference is booth space, that's tough."

Coffee Break is Over

Once upon a time a man exited this mortal veil and found himself standing at the brimstone gates. Antisaint Peter met him there and offered the disraught fellow three possible, very permanent habitats. "But once you make the decision, it is final. Choose carefully."

Behind Door Number 1 our lost soul saw an endless room with people standing shoulder-high in ripe, putrid animal dung and rotting dead flesh. Behind Door Number 2 he saw a gymnasium-sized room filled with people standing waist-deep in ripe, putrid animal dung. Disgusted by what he saw in the first two rooms, Mr. Dead Guy was doing his best imitation of prayer as he walked toward Door Number Three. Antisaint Peter opened the door, and our departed fellow saw a well-lit and nicely decorated room, where several people were standing around chatting and enjoying fine coffee. There was a knee-high layer of mildly aged semi-liquified cow dung.

"Oh, Antisaint Peter! My prayers have been answered. I don't have to think for a second. I'll take this third room!"

"You are finished," came the reply and immediately the man found himself standing in the room with a cup of coffee exactly the way he liked it back in First Life.

He was just about to ask someone for a second cup of triple-shot skinny mocha extra hot, hold the whipped cream when a loud klaxton sounded. A fat, ugly demon wearing only a barista's apron croaked out in a loud voice with more than a trace of boredom, "Already everybody. Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

Iron Tulips has been on a coffee break for a while. But there is good news to report. The coffee break is over, we're back to standing everything on its head.

Borg Scout Ship Reaches Earth, Short-Curcuits on Art

A scout ship from the Borg Collective reached planet Earth recently, but assimilation was thwarted and humanity saved when the Borg discovered human artwork.

A sample is here; follow the link for more.

Proctor & Gamble, Colgate Gang Up to Sue Web 2.0 Cabal

The world’s two leading manufacturers of cleaning products today announced plans to sue every programmer who has ever dreamed of Web 2.0 riches, for appropriating and misusing the trademarked names Ajax and Comet.

“We looked the other way when somebody called a slick new programming paradigm SOAP,” said P. Freemore Daily, Second Assistant Deputy to Senior Council at Colgate-Palmolive. “‘Soap,’ after all, is a generic term. But when another so-called clever programmer decided to name a Web 2.0 hack after our Ajax, we took a dim view of this rather specious use of our trademarked term.”

“Now that yet another gunslinger has tried to make a name for himself by using the name of a cleaning product formerly owned by Proctor & Gamble to describe this nebulous Web 2.0 crap, we say enough is enough” said Pander Sidious, corporate council for Proctor & Gamble. “Courts exist so that big corporations like ours can sue the pants of these two-bit programmers who live on a steady diet of Cheese Whiz and donuts. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do."

Despite the announcement, no filing has yet been recorded with any court in the U.S; rumor has it that the P&G/Colgate dynamic duo may first merge so that their combined resources can be more efficiently thrown at any pending trademark defense. As Sidious noted, "It's going to take a while to hunt down and sue every single one of these Web 2.0 programmers. They are like cockroaches--shine a light on them and they scurry into the corners."

Think Twice About That Basket of Candy on Your Doorstep

Erstwhile undercover video reporters have proven conclusively that The Easter Bunny Hates You.

Remember, you have been warned.

Iron Tulips Consider Legal Action Against India Daily

"Iron Tulips is not amused," says our editor, who prefers to remain anonymous in case his mother starts surfing the web. "We are talking to our lawyers. The kind of technology news they are reporting is our turf. It's just not fair!"

What has our editor's knickers so twisted? It seems India Daily regularly kicks IT's proverbial boo-tay by scooping us on the really nifty technology stories. In April alone, India Daily has been first with such important technology news as:

• multi-dimensional mind-to-mind communication
• the "interesting correlation" between UFO sightings and avoidance of certain regions by various Air Forces
• the new stealth military command and control communication system using 5D gravity waves, as reverse engineered from UFO's

What is even more baffling is why India Daily covers technology so well, yet in their politics section has to create such obviously phony stories as the Prime Minister of Canada looking forward to the upcoming visit by India's prime minister. India Daily, how gullible do you think we really are?

FBI Agents Raid Google, Confiscate Gmail Accounts

As a response to the recent revelation that nearly 400 FBI agents in the New York City office do not have individual email accounts, a group of G-men swarmed unannounced into the Googleplex in Mountain View, California this morning. When they left, Google was missing 10,000 invitations to start a Gmail web-based email account.

“I’ve never seen FBI agents look so desperate in all my life,” said Google co-founder Sergey Brin who just happened to be dressed in drag for Google's annual "Queen for a Day" competition. “I mean, last month when they came in here looking for child porn links, at least they said ‘Please.’ This group was crazed.”

“One of them did that jump-and-roll thing into my cubicle,” said a Google employee who goes by the hacker handle Silicon Steroid “She shoved a revolver into my face and yelled, ‘Step away from the computer and nobody will get hurt.’ Then she proceeded to click over and over on the ‘Invite to Gmail’ link. She reminded me of a starving monkey in some grad student’s psychology experiment, pushing the button over and over again hoping for a reward morsel.”

An FBI representative in Washington was unavailable for comment, but the janitor said the spokesperson was trying to sort out why the WiFi was going down every time somebody in the office used a coreless phone.

European Union to Microsoft: Sit, Roll Over, Beg

A cabal of European Union bureaucrats today announced ambitious plans to make Microsoft comply with EU antitrust concerns over the eventual arrival of Windows Vista, now scheduled to ship sometime in the first decade of the 21st Century.

“We will engage Microsoft in a variety of mandatory anti-competitive exercises,” said EU competition commissioner Neelie Kroes. “By participating in these exercises, Microsoft will be able to fine-tune its corporate psyche and become responsive to EU dictates.”

Speaking with perfect English diction that would put the average American to shame, the Dutch Ms. Kroes said the first exercise would be “similar to teaching a dog to sit.” An EU bureaucrat will call Redmond on a random day and order all shipments of Microsoft goods inside the European Union to halt for a random period of time. “This will continue until Microsoft is compliant on command.”

Once Microsoft learns to sit, the EU competition commission will move to “Roll Over,” in which Microsoft will be taught to voluntarily admit to previously undisclosed violations of EU policy, including EU policies not yet written. The third step is “Beg,” in which Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will be trained to kneel before the European Union Parliament and request the right to continue to do business in the EU.

“We believe these measures are for Microsoft’s own good,” said Ms. Kroes, who got the idea for Sit, Roll Over, and Beg from observing Bill Gates accept an honorary doctorate when she was chairperson of Nijenrode University. “He grabbed at that diploma in a most uncivilized manner. I pulled it back, and gave him curt verbal commands to help him accept the award more graciously. If I can paper-train the founder, I think I can handle the rest of the company.”

Lineups Around the Block as AutoCAD 2007 Unveiled

CAD retailers from Round Rock TX to Kent WA swung wide their doors early today as Autodesk launched “AutoCAD 2007: The 3D Edition” precisely one minute past midnight. Although rain was heavy in both states, determined users stood six-deep around the block waving happily at the bright lights of the news cameras.

As the doors swung open, those at the front of the line jumped out of their Mountain Equipment Co-op waterproof sleeping bags and into the warm embrace of store employees. They jumped back again as employees pulled out sharp new box cutters and got to work.

Large notices in red type were bandaged onto the cases of AutoCAD 2007, warning dealerships against opening boxes prior to 12:01am—or face losing dealer contracts come January 31. Employees sliced through the warning signs, the cardboard tops, the individual cases and sometimes right into the CDs.

Most users quickly made their $3,999.00 purchase and ran for their Ford Fairlanes and Mercury Comets, eager to load the software onto their aging desktop computers. Others, however, complained to the watching news cameras that dealers were illegally bundling the software with “required” workstation hardware.

Gazing gleefully upon a row of TV’s reporting the pandemonium, Autodesk representative Walker John enthused, “This is the most successful launch ever! No matter about the sliced CDs; they barely cost anything.” John promised to investigate the bundling complaints, but noted that AutoCAD 2007’s 3D capability is useless without expensive hardware.

XYZ CAD Corp. Takes the Lead in Announcing Its Leadership

XYZ CAD Corp, the leader in niche-oriented CAD software in ten important US states and several reputable countries around the world, took the lead in announcing today that leading customers have adopted XYZ CAD Corp.'s market-leading software.

President, CEO, and Chairman of the Board of Directors of XYZ CAD Corp, William Slinkfeet III, ruminated on his company's lead in issuing today's press release. "I think much of our industry-leading success is right in line with my automobile's bumper sticker, which I rather like. It reads, 'You are following the leader'. Leadership is a state of being," he continued, "and being a leader is the state we are in."

XYZ CAD Corp's leadership is part of a potential $9.898 billion-a-year industry, as estimated by the software industry’s leading analysis group, CrockAnalysis, Inc. "We see XYZ CAD Corp. as a leader in what will become a $51.453 billion-a-year industry within the decade," enthused JimBob Crock, president, spokesperson, and head of public relations for CrockAnalysis. "We look forward to providing this leading company with many more leading industry estimates."

"We know we can trust CrockAnalysis Inc.'s estimates, " added Slinkfeet, "because they have come up with very large numbers for other leading industry segments. Their numbers are so accurate, I would almost call them routine. Numbers that large can only be accurate, and we pay them a lot to generate them. Plus, they are an industry leader, and it is important for industry leaders to be associated with other leaders."

"The more accurate the number, the more difficult it is to generate," nodded Crock. "Although many of our competitors content themselves with one decimal place of accuracy, we are leaders and so we are able to charge clients more for our industry-leading estimates and their 2- and 3-decimal places."

"We are proud to be leaders in our association with the leading analysis firm," concluded Slinkfeet, "a firm which leads the industry in decimal places."

Web 2.0 Issues First Service Pack

Web 2.0, the nebulous buzzword used to describe new web-based applications, ideas, and for-profit conferences, today issued its first Service Pack.

Installs of the Service Pack, code named O’Reilly, started popping up in web sites across the globe simultaneously this morning, primarily in trendy but useless web sites that appeal to 13-year-olds. An Iron Tulips analysis of the Service Pack shows that it deletes unused script tags mindlessly copied by all those me-too web developers who had been “borrowing” code rather than writing their own.

A Microsoft spokesman said that users of Microsoft Web Services software should not worry about the Web 2.0 Service Pack, since “we’re really not part of that whole AJAX SOAP scene anyway.”

Try the Cowboy Leg and the J&J Living the Bowel

Sometimes Iron Tulips must report 'em as we see 'em, instead of the other way around. What happens when a Chinese restaurant trusts an online translation service to make the menu bilingual? We become informed of such succulent dishes as Cowboy Leg, J&J Living the Bowel, and Every Form Rape. Oh, and do try the Fried Beef Rice with Scorn, they say it is to die for.

Rating: Five tulips for high ROTFLMAO factor. (Warning, contains instances of strong vulgarities used by huge mistake.)

Crybaby Telco CEO's Take Their Internet and Go Home

The CEO’s of five large telecommunications companies today got tired of everybody using "their Internet," so they picked it up and went home. The rest of the Internet routed around the small gap and nobody noticed.

Mail Room Clerk Discovery: Novell Executives Missing for Two Years

A curious mail room employee at Novell followed a hunch today and discovered that the entire senior management of the formerly large networking firm has been gone for approximate two years.

“For a long time the bin labeled ‘Executive Suite’ just kept getting fuller and fuller,” said a bewildered Bradley Petit-Cerveau. “Finally I decided to leave my post at the sorting table and find out why mail for our company’s executives was piling up.”

What Petit-Cerveau discovered was floor after floor of abandonded offices at Novell’s Waltham, Massachusetts headquarters. “They all just left? How weird is that?”

Petit-Cerveau, now acting CEO, is now pouring through company records to find members of the board of directors who might still be interested in the company.

Anagram Scientist Solves Google Mantra Mystery

A scientist from the Anagram Institute of Slobovkia announced today that Google's "Don't Be Evil" mantra is actually a clever ruse hiding the company's real intention.

"When you run an anagram query on "evil" you quickly discover "live" and "veil," said Dr. Evan Notsoswiftksi. "It is a principle of anagram science that the deviant mind hides true intention by shuffling it through an anagrammatic linguistic filter. The Google motto “Don’t be evil” thus becomes ‘Do be live and veil.’ It is all very insidious and deviant. Cozying up to the Chinese government is only the first step. Of course the name ‘Levi’ also pops up, but we haven’t figured that part out yet.”

When pressed to explain further, Dr. Notsoswiftski’s monitor at the Prague Institute for the Insane ended the interview, saying it was time to administer the good doctor’s afternoon sedative.

UPDATE: March 13, 2006: Dr. Notsoswiftski has sent an update:

"I now see further patterns emerging from my research into the true meaning of 'Don't Be Evil.' Phrases such as 'Bend Evil To,' 'Be Vend I Lot,' 'Bent Do Evil' and 'No Evil Debt' hold the keys, I believe.