Crybaby Telco CEO's Take Their Internet and Go Home

The CEO’s of five large telecommunications companies today got tired of everybody using "their Internet," so they picked it up and went home. The rest of the Internet routed around the small gap and nobody noticed.

Mail Room Clerk Discovery: Novell Executives Missing for Two Years

A curious mail room employee at Novell followed a hunch today and discovered that the entire senior management of the formerly large networking firm has been gone for approximate two years.

“For a long time the bin labeled ‘Executive Suite’ just kept getting fuller and fuller,” said a bewildered Bradley Petit-Cerveau. “Finally I decided to leave my post at the sorting table and find out why mail for our company’s executives was piling up.”

What Petit-Cerveau discovered was floor after floor of abandonded offices at Novell’s Waltham, Massachusetts headquarters. “They all just left? How weird is that?”

Petit-Cerveau, now acting CEO, is now pouring through company records to find members of the board of directors who might still be interested in the company.

Anagram Scientist Solves Google Mantra Mystery

A scientist from the Anagram Institute of Slobovkia announced today that Google's "Don't Be Evil" mantra is actually a clever ruse hiding the company's real intention.

"When you run an anagram query on "evil" you quickly discover "live" and "veil," said Dr. Evan Notsoswiftksi. "It is a principle of anagram science that the deviant mind hides true intention by shuffling it through an anagrammatic linguistic filter. The Google motto “Don’t be evil” thus becomes ‘Do be live and veil.’ It is all very insidious and deviant. Cozying up to the Chinese government is only the first step. Of course the name ‘Levi’ also pops up, but we haven’t figured that part out yet.”

When pressed to explain further, Dr. Notsoswiftski’s monitor at the Prague Institute for the Insane ended the interview, saying it was time to administer the good doctor’s afternoon sedative.

UPDATE: March 13, 2006: Dr. Notsoswiftski has sent an update:

"I now see further patterns emerging from my research into the true meaning of 'Don't Be Evil.' Phrases such as 'Bend Evil To,' 'Be Vend I Lot,' 'Bent Do Evil' and 'No Evil Debt' hold the keys, I believe.

Mismanged Brain Dump Blamed for Six Versions of Vista

A mismanaged brain dump at Microsoft is being blamed for the decision to ship six or more versions of Vista, the next generation of Microsoft Windows.

“Brain dump” is the process by which programmers quickly transfer massive amounts of information to their colleagues and management. The intent is to balance the knowledge load among team members.

Brain dumps started at Microsoft when the company was still located in Albuquerque, N.M. and originally involved the use of peyote, S-100 motherboards, and direct cortical stimulus. After moving to the Seattle area, the process was eventually refined to remove the occasionally less-than-accurate results obtained by using native pharmaceuticals. “When we found out the landscape crew was spraying the mushrooms on the lawn, that was the last straw,” a Microsoft employee confided to Iron Tulips in 1992. “But by then the ‘486 [Intel 80486 CPU] was powerful enough, we didn’t need the extra pharma coaxing.”

In the incident that led to multiple distributions of Vista, a key Windows programmer was strapped into the brain dump chair by colleagues, who then decided to drive across Lake Washington to Seattle for pizza during the procedure. Due to high winds, the floating bridge that connects Seattle to Redmond was closed after they had crossed over. By the time the programmers returned and remembered their colleague, the brain dump procedure had rebooted his brain six times. Each procedure delivered a slightly different version of Vista. “Since we can’t tell one from the other without reading a million lines of code, we just have to release all six versions,” explained a rather testy Steve Balmer, Microsoft CEO. “Just wait until I get my hands on that chair.”

AT&T Buys Google

AT&T completed its spectacular comeback as a 1960’s style conglomerate today with its all-cash purchase of Google. “We wanted Google Chat to round out our next-generation telecommunications line,” said Jim Bob “Bucky” Rambo, AT&T vice-president for acquisitions. “All that search stuff is just extra slop in the trough, if you know what I mean.”

Wall Street analysts reacted positively to the move, saying they were glad to be rid of those prima donnas running Google. “Now we’ll get real guidance, not any of that Left Coast BS,” said Merrill Lynch analyst Chatsworth P.W. Dillinghamtonshire. “This is a stock we can churn like butter.”

According to insiders familiar with the deal, AT&T will convert the famed Google search engine into a replacement for the local phone book, and fire most of the existing Google staff. "They may make an offer to get the original Google chef [Charlie Ayers] to come back," one wag noted. "They say he makes a mean pizza."

Project Origami--It Really is Origami

Today Intel took the wraps off Project Origami, a mini-tablet device recently found grinding its way through the Internet rumor mill. “We call it Origami because it really is made of paper,” a chagrined Intel executive explained when there was no fancy computer device to show for all the rumormonging. “See, if you fold it just so, it looks like an itty bitty computer.”

When challenged by an irate member of the press to stop making excuses and show a real computer, the Intelite took the defensive. “You know, we’ve been taking it on the chin recently, what with our lower stock price and that damn AMD. Just cut us some slack, OK?”

Carol Bartz Victory Lap to End at Statuary Hall

IronTulips has learned that the current Carol Bartz victory lap will end April 30 in Washington, DC with the unveiling of a new statue in Statuary Hall at the US Capitol.

Bartz announced late in 2005 that she would step down as Autodesk CEO after 14 years; her replacement takes office May 1, 2006.

The Bartz statue is being placed by the state of California, and will replace Thomas Starr King, a 19th Century Unitarian minister known for raising money for the Sanitary Commission.

There was initially some debate as to which state would get the honor of placing Bartz's statue in the US Capitol. But Minnesota, where she was born, has decided to place a statue of former governor Jesse Ventura; Wisconsin, where she grew up, intends to put up a statue honoring the Cheesehead as soon as the Green Bay Packers return to the Super Bowl.

Autodesk PR firm Fleishman Hillard will receive a bonus of $1 million for negotiating the Statuary Hall deal.

New Golden Parachutes to Feature Weight Restrictions, Half-Life Settings

In response to recent CEO bailouts where the golden parachute worked beyond initial specifications, an Indiana electricial worker's union plans to introduce a new golden parachute with built-in time and weight limits.

"The golden parachutes they give CEO's today are just too darn strong," said a union representative whose lunchbox says "Ed" in big nailpolish letters. "When my union puts all our retirement funds into one of them hot IT companies, we don't want the CEO to take the whole cashbox when they bail out."

The first model, code name Carlton, will allow one jumper to carry no more than one year's salary. Ed says an upgrade planned for later this year will add time-based fabric degradation based on the half-life of gold.