tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236064302011-07-07T17:04:24.389-07:00Fact-based news and analysis about Information Technology is so last century. Iron Tulips offers the better story.Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.comBlogger231100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-30202928192378393042007-06-22T10:43:00.000-07:002007-06-22T10:45:06.410-07:00

Our soulmates at sarcasticgamer.com have created the perfect explanation of Microsoft Surface.

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-36214979342019710952007-03-21T17:18:00.000-07:002007-03-21T17:38:45.445-07:00

The Iron Tulips Investigations Team has uncovered sinister evidence suggesting that the death of PLM (reported last week) may not have been a suicide.Our first tip came when this man:met our team on a dark street in Prague. Looking left and right nervously, he whispered a single phrase before disappearing into the night, "the saucer has landed."After that, the trail led to Asia, where everything

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-46341955528261464842007-03-09T09:59:00.000-08:002007-03-09T10:51:49.758-08:00

Product Lifecycle Management, known to friends as PLM, was found dead today in her Second Life apartment. Cause of death has been ruled as suicide.Detectives at the scene found a note which has been authenticated as having been written by Ms. PLM. “I can’t go on this way,” the note begins:“I can’t go on this way. Every one I meet has such high expectations for me. I just wanted to be free to have

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-79429867011954884012007-01-22T20:17:00.000-08:002007-01-22T20:31:17.186-08:00

Spar Point Research, a technology research firm that sponsors an annual conference on the use of 3D laser scanning for the built environment, recently turned down a request from a vendor to be the Official Toilet Paper Sponsor for Spar 2007."We were livid when they told us no," said Sue Spamwad, a marketing bimbo for Urgent PLM, Inc.. "We have been the Official Toilet Paper Sponsor at That Other

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-11953593046983761912007-01-22T19:30:00.000-08:002007-03-09T10:16:11.948-08:00

Once upon a time a man exited this mortal veil and found himself standing at the brimstone gates. Antisaint Peter met him there and offered the disraught fellow three possible, very permanent habitats. "But once you make the decision, it is final. Choose carefully."Behind Door Number 1 our lost soul saw an endless room with people standing shoulder-high in ripe, putrid animal dung and rotting

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1146255439157385012006-04-28T13:14:00.000-07:002006-04-29T20:26:39.986-07:00

A scout ship from the Borg Collective reached planet Earth recently, but assimilation was thwarted and humanity saved when the Borg discovered human artwork.A sample is here; follow the link for more.

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1144920325706299312006-04-13T02:13:00.000-07:002006-04-13T09:59:21.296-07:00

The world’s two leading manufacturers of cleaning products today announced plans to sue every programmer who has ever dreamed of Web 2.0 riches, for appropriating and misusing the trademarked names Ajax and Comet. “We looked the other way when somebody called a slick new programming paradigm SOAP,” said P. Freemore Daily, Second Assistant Deputy to Senior Council at

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1144700072569225972006-04-10T13:12:00.000-07:002006-04-10T13:14:32.583-07:00

Erstwhile undercover video reporters have proven conclusively that The Easter Bunny Hates You.Remember, you have been warned.

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1144218113359826282006-04-04T23:16:00.000-07:002006-04-04T23:21:53.373-07:00

"Iron Tulips is not amused," says our editor, who prefers to remain anonymous in case his mother starts surfing the web. "We are talking to our lawyers. The kind of technology news they are reporting is our turf. It's just not fair!"What has our editor's knickers so twisted? It seems India Daily regularly kicks IT's proverbial boo-tay by scooping us on the really nifty technology stories. In

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1143839532141979732006-03-31T12:47:00.000-08:002006-04-03T11:15:59.620-07:00

As a response to the recent revelation that nearly 400 FBI agents in the New York City office do not have individual email accounts, a group of G-men swarmed unannounced into the Googleplex in Mountain View, California this morning. When they left, Google was missing 10,000 invitations to start a Gmail web-based email account.“I’ve never seen FBI agents look so desperate in all my life,” said

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1143665851145236412006-03-29T12:54:00.000-08:002006-03-29T12:57:31.160-08:00

A cabal of European Union bureaucrats today announced ambitious plans to make Microsoft comply with EU antitrust concerns over the eventual arrival of Windows Vista, now scheduled to ship sometime in the first decade of the 21st Century.“We will engage Microsoft in a variety of mandatory anti-competitive exercises,” said EU competition commissioner Neelie Kroes. “By participating in these

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1143141726391283592006-03-23T11:20:00.000-08:002006-03-23T11:22:06.403-08:00

CAD retailers from Round Rock TX to Kent WA swung wide their doors early today as Autodesk launched “AutoCAD 2007: The 3D Edition” precisely one minute past midnight. Although rain was heavy in both states, determined users stood six-deep around the block waving happily at the bright lights of the news cameras.As the doors swung open, those at the front of the line jumped out of their Mountain

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1143069652339500242006-03-22T15:14:00.000-08:002006-03-22T15:20:52.370-08:00

XYZ CAD Corp, the leader in niche-oriented CAD software in ten important US states and several reputable countries around the world, took the lead in announcing today that leading customers have adopted XYZ CAD Corp.'s market-leading software.President, CEO, and Chairman of the Board of Directors of XYZ CAD Corp, William Slinkfeet III, ruminated on his company's lead in issuing today's press

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1142981615573858482006-03-21T14:52:00.000-08:002006-03-22T09:20:56.056-08:00

Web 2.0, the nebulous buzzword used to describe new web-based applications, ideas, and for-profit conferences, today issued its first Service Pack. Installs of the Service Pack, code named O’Reilly, started popping up in web sites across the globe simultaneously this morning, primarily in trendy but useless web sites that appeal to 13-year-olds. An Iron Tulips analysis of the Service Pack

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1142886292770060932006-03-20T12:16:00.000-08:002006-03-20T12:27:28.950-08:00

Sometimes Iron Tulips must report 'em as we see 'em, instead of the other way around. What happens when a Chinese restaurant trusts an online translation service to make the menu bilingual? We become informed of such succulent dishes as Cowboy Leg, J&J Living the Bowel, and Every Form Rape. Oh, and do try the Fried Beef Rice with Scorn, they say it is to die for.Rating: Five tulips for high

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1142467055337836612006-03-15T15:56:00.000-08:002006-03-15T15:57:35.350-08:00

The CEO’s of five large telecommunications companies today got tired of everybody using "their Internet," so they picked it up and went home. The rest of the Internet routed around the small gap and nobody noticed.

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1142297924148715682006-03-13T16:56:00.000-08:002006-03-13T16:58:44.160-08:00

A curious mail room employee at Novell followed a hunch today and discovered that the entire senior management of the formerly large networking firm has been gone for approximate two years. “For a long time the bin labeled ‘Executive Suite’ just kept getting fuller and fuller,” said a bewildered Bradley Petit-Cerveau. “Finally I decided to leave my post at the sorting table and find out why

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1142036390568242792006-03-10T16:17:00.000-08:002006-03-13T17:21:20.976-08:00

A scientist from the Anagram Institute of Slobovkia announced today that Google's "Don't Be Evil" mantra is actually a clever ruse hiding the company's real intention. "When you run an anagram query on "evil" you quickly discover "live" and "veil," said Dr. Evan Notsoswiftksi. "It is a principle of anagram science that the deviant mind hides true intention by shuffling it through an

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1141930487075718262006-03-09T10:42:00.000-08:002006-03-09T10:57:50.336-08:00

A mismanaged brain dump at Microsoft is being blamed for the decision to ship six or more versions of Vista, the next generation of Microsoft Windows.“Brain dump” is the process by which programmers quickly transfer massive amounts of information to their colleagues and management. The intent is to balance the knowledge load among team members.Brain dumps started at Microsoft when the company was

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1141852531890699882006-03-08T13:10:00.000-08:002006-03-08T13:15:31.910-08:00

AT&T completed its spectacular comeback as a 1960’s style conglomerate today with its all-cash purchase of Google. “We wanted Google Chat to round out our next-generation telecommunications line,” said Jim Bob “Bucky” Rambo, AT&T vice-president for acquisitions. “All that search stuff is just extra slop in the trough, if you know what I mean.” Wall Street analysts reacted positively to

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1141769890523634602006-03-07T14:16:00.000-08:002006-03-07T14:18:10.533-08:00

Today Intel took the wraps off Project Origami, a mini-tablet device recently found grinding its way through the Internet rumor mill. “We call it Origami because it really is made of paper,” a chagrined Intel executive explained when there was no fancy computer device to show for all the rumormonging. “See, if you fold it just so, it looks like an itty bitty computer.”When challenged by an irate

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1141764169876032722006-03-07T12:22:00.000-08:002006-03-08T13:18:53.640-08:00

IronTulips has learned that the current Carol Bartz victory lap will end April 30 in Washington, DC with the unveiling of a new statue in Statuary Hall at the US Capitol.Bartz announced late in 2005 that she would step down as Autodesk CEO after 14 years; her replacement takes office May 1, 2006.The Bartz statue is being placed by the state of California, and will replace Thomas Starr King, a

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23606430.post-1141760947961572002006-03-07T11:32:00.000-08:002006-03-07T13:55:08.583-08:00

In response to recent CEO bailouts where the golden parachute worked beyond initial specifications, an Indiana electricial worker's union plans to introduce a new golden parachute with built-in time and weight limits."The golden parachutes they give CEO's today are just too darn strong," said a union representative whose lunchbox says "Ed" in big nailpolish letters. "When my union puts all our

Randall Newtonnoreply@blogger.com0